A love so deep it hurts

Alecsandr sttod there looking at the people moving about there lives in Tokyo as if everything was normal. Those who had the bio-tech. Those who were junkers and humans, everything and yet the seemingly small man who those close to him called Sasha, could give a care less. No it was the slowly ashing corpse of the dead vampire who had challenged him that had him currently reflecting. The Russian vampire sighed softly. He swore he hated him with an utter passion when in truth he truly loved that cruel sadistic vampire with an utter passion that was painful. Recently he met a group of vampires again learning that they were his beloved missing brothers. Which left Sasha wondering.....truly if he still had a place to fit in with them. The iron blood alchemist sighed softly again before closing his eyes ignoring for the moment all others around him. Not long ago he had returned to his side.....and although he was loath to admit it he now worried that his sire, the man he loved so dearly would come to tire of him and want him no more soon. "Why do you do this to me...." Sasha breathed lowly.....this was not Russia so he wasn't thinking about the fact that he or one of his brothers may answer him. Merely thinking out loud.

"Don't act like it's just his fault..." he told him in a low, gruff voice. He was, as usual, in a pissy mood and cranky. But, if he had to be faced with the joy of the day, he'd be sick...so he opted to be away from the family for a little while. "Never blame just one person for your personal problems...nine times out of ten, you're the main reason you're having problems..." he told him as he put a hand in his pocket.

For once wearing baggy black jeans and a baggy white t-shirt, Neikan stood there with shaggy black and white hair as he seemingly glared at the whole world. He would even admit to himself now, that he was most likely the cause of the largest part of his problems...even when it came to his family, he was most likely to blame for his detachment from the world and emotional support...but...deep down, he needed to be cradled like a small child by Aoi and Kira...his old traumas refusing to heal...no matter how hard he tried to rid himself of them.

Sasha rose an eyebrow at being answered before looking back at Neikan. Looked at he screw the world look before looking out at the crowd again. "Do not miss understand me....I am fully aware of my short comings painfully so. No, I merely meant....why.....does it hurt." Sasha said figuring he skip the long drawn out winning and complaint about the way loving Kiba made him feel. His thick Russian accent a sharp contrast to Neikan's own. "Why does an emotion that is supposed to bring one happiness have to hurt, and why then is such painful conflicting emotions centered so heavily around Kiba...."Sasha asked the rhetorical question his hand coming up to his chest to close above his heart, with continuing to look at Neikan.

"Love isn't a thing to understand easily...I've been down on my knees in tears more times than I'd ever like to count...asking the same questions...Why? but, nothing I ask will ever bring light to the answers...the only person who can ever ease the pain and turmoil of love is the very person you love..." he told him as he glared at the people who walked by. How he hated them so. Happy faces that hid pigs underneath.

"I've spent my whole life wondering why I'm forced to suffer like I do...but...when it comes down to it, I don't want it to go away...this tightness in my chest every time I see them, every time they say my name or look at me...every time they touch me...I've come to understand that this pain, this cycle of hurting one another, is part of love. You can't love someone without the pain. You can't love someone without knowing that you both are giving up so much to love one another no matter your differences..." he explained lowly, gruffly as he stood there. He was a difficult man, he knew that. But, he also knew that he was becoming wise to the world he lived on. He was growing up, much slower than Aoi had, but he was slowly opening his eyes to the life he lived.

Sasha listened to Neikan and sighed softly. Closing his eyes as the other spoke. Although the man was 'younger' then him physically the soul of the man was much older and had been through so much more. Stepping down he turned and faced Neikan. "I am the last person who has such a right to love him so Neikan. These feelings were not enough to keep me from leaving his side, from doubting my place, his feelings upon words of others I ran from him leaving him, fought him and hurt him.......perhaps worse than any other.....I have the least right to love him so. To feel the way I do....and yet...I....yearn to just hear his voice say my name......" Sasha paused and turned away to stare coldly at those that passed by they meant nothing to him. "Even when I swore I hated him....I still yearned....I have the least right to be at his side.....and yet that is where I longed for so long to be.....now a part of me no matter how shallow and terrible it is, seeing Kiba so truly happy to be reunited with all of you fears that.....I have even less right to be by his side.....that it is he after all my own foolishness and shortcomings has put him through will cast me aside.....and honestly I could not blame him if he did...."

Sasha closed his eyes. "And knowing how much pain I have caused him....that the three of you can accept me so.

"Easily?" he finished lowly as he brought a hand up to run through his shaggy hair and let his mix-matched gaze fall on Sasha. "We accept those who are meant to be with us...easy or not, we will accept you because you belong with us...." he told Sasha lowly. Meaning, that not everything, no matter how happily they all welcomed Sasha, was as easy as it seemed. Aoi bore so much weight on his shoulders, and just kept taking more...it was like he was compensating for the burdens Neikan himself couldn't bring himself to take...and yet...Neikan couldn't change...

Neikan then brought his hand down and placed it on Sasha's head, staring at him intently as he spoke, "We love you as family because you deserve to be part of the family you were sired into...you deserve to be protected and loved...even if you yourself don't believe it..."

Sasha looked up at Neikan. He spoke with a certainty a finality to it the same as Kira did. Although a part of him felt relief and like crying he didn't. Sasha looked at him as the hand rested on his head. Neikan accepting him just like that. No rather he had from the moment they met he supposed....even if Sasha himself didn't believe it. Sasha looked down sighing a bit as the weight of his words settled in it wasn't that they were heavy rather they seemed to take some of that weight from his shoulders even as his right hand closed nails digging in as he stared at the ground feeling them bite into flesh the sharp crisp scent of his own blood hitting the air just a few drops but to a vampire like them it was more then enough. Is.....it really....alright....,to be loved? To be wanted......" Sasha's issues stemmed from before Kiba....his sense of being wanted easily shattered no matter his hard he tried to forget it.....his parents throwing him to the wolves, the villagers wrath and chasing him further and further out of town.....wandering lost sick and honestly near dying when he first found Kiba.....who took him in.......Do... I have such a right....to have....a family.....to have....those things..... Sasha whispered.